Hindsight is 20/20

Hello, friends it’s me! December arrived with a frenzy of activity and I have barely had a moment to come up for air, let alone sit and write. And I missed it! Even my running was modified due to the hectic days. And for those of you who REALLY know me- my runs are usually a non-negotiable- it’s a key component to my mental health. Therapy! From Thanksgiving being super late this year, to a special girl’s birthday, various aliments, teaching classes here and there, volunteering and pretty much everyday life with two busy kids-it’s been a whirlwind. Each year we fly into December and my personal mantra is to slow down and enjoy. Usually I find so much cheer, but the days are full speed, that January 1 rolls in and I sit back and wonder what exactly happened to the month. This year was no exception- and we added even more ballet into the mix. Shopping was completed early, and I am happy to say Christmas Eve came and we were able to relax by a fire, cookies, wine and Christmas with the Kranks. No last minute wrapping or assembling. Phew! The kids loved it, my dad loved it and Lou and I enjoyed the down time and laughs with the Kranks. We ALL needed them. See, the thing is, life is not always roses. Even during the happiest, most wonderful time of the year. Life is not always what our social media posts showcase- there’s more- a dimension that the public cannot see. Pictures and hashtags from the latest concert, “experience”, trip or dinner offer one view, usually the shiny one- the happiest one. But when we sit back, a pictures truly can tell a thousand words, often they are unspoken. This holiday season brought so much joy and also sadness to our lives. My husband’s aunt passed away just over a week ago. We knew it was inevitable as she was very ill, but loss still has a way of taking your breath away. We all loved her, and she will be missed dearly. The first time I met her she made me feel like family- a big laugh and a big smile. She was my mother-in- law’s younger sister. Dorothy was the Laverne to her Shirley- a sweet duo. Always a smile and joke and laugh that made you smile just hearing it. The last time I saw her was in August, and I knew somewhere in my mind it may be the last time I would see her. I knew balancing Lou’s extensive work and travel, and caring for the kids it would be tough to scoot back up to Massachusetts. In the end, I missed her wake for a variety of reasons. The most prevalent: because I am a mom and my top priority is making sure my children are OK emotionally and physically. All ducks in a row. Always. Most of us (all!) moms don’t get to close the door and walk out to work or on a plane for a weekend getaway without carrying around the weight of worry and endless planning. And sometimes planning and worrying wins- so we stay. We miss out on things that are so important to us, but are overshadowed by our first priority: our babies. That said, in the picture with my beautiful ballerina last weekend, my heart was both full and broken ...all at the very same time. I was not able to be at the wake, I didn’t get to say goodbye and it tore at me. But I was able to watch my little girl flutter across the stage and know that most importantly, while HER heart was still healing, she felt full and safe. Alessandra needed me the most and so I stayed. And I smiled and I loved. And I carried the guilt. The next day on my run, (thanks to Popi babysitting), I mulled over the latest event I missed. They kept adding up. This past year has been a doozy and I have missed so much, but in turn have been present for so much. I ran for miles with a lump in my throat and thoughts filling my head. Then it happened- I smelled my late mother in-law’s perfume as I fought back tears. Out of no where it just hit me. In that moment I knew she was telling me it was ok- I am a mom. She and Dorothy wouldn’t haven had it any other way- ultra moms themselves - “be with your babies and love them” is what I felt in that moment. The smell took me there immediately. Here is the issue us moms face pretty much everyday- (and it’s in overdrive during the holidays) we feel the constant pull to be everything to everyone and to be everywhere. It’s just the reality of it all. We often lose our identity, or at least a part of us, in the crazy dance trying to fulfill every need and want. We miss out on office parties for Christmas Pageants, drinks with coworkers because of a sick little one or one who simply needs you at bedtime. A getaway with your partner because YOU are it- the mom, the cook, the nurse, the teacher, the maid, the nanny- the EVERYTHING - the get aways simply don’t happen. So when you look at happy pictures know there is happiness at a cost- it’s still real and it’s lovely, but life is made of choices. Sometimes the choices feel easy and other times they are heavy and difficult. And you doubt and feel guilt. Tremendous guilt about the mom, sister, wife, friend and daughter you are- do THEY ALL feel loved and important? I hope so. I think so! I hope. In the end, looking at the pictures flowing with happiness, smiles and love shown in your little ones eyes, you know you made the right choice. It was completely and totally worth it. So as I begin to prepare for next year, I am seeking balance, grace, understanding and patience for myself. As a mom, sister, wife, friend, daughter but most with myself- for me. I want to learn to be gentle and kind and understanding of the world we try to balance each day. After all, hindsight is 20/20. ❤️